


snap the bones keeping it together ( like glass )

by fauchevalent



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Body Image, Self Confidence Issues, doesn't really go as long as i'd like but i decided to give it a nice end for you guys, imagine spaleb never gets the marlene cheating wand bc i love my children, it's not explicitly ed but? if you have an ed and that's triggering maybe be cautious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 14:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6379201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauchevalent/pseuds/fauchevalent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it doesn't look right to her, & though she doesn't mean to complain - it's not like being T H I N is going to garner her a lifetime of negative attention - she still finds herself wincing as her fingers bump gently over slightly protruding ribs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	snap the bones keeping it together ( like glass )

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Spencer or PLL. Here's the story behind this: I have always felt connected to Spencer - she's always been a character who's very much like me - and recently, rp'ing as her ( & just generally enjoying Spencecentric fic ), I've noticed a lot of similarities in the descriptions. She always tends to be described as 'lanky' or 'thin' or, when she gets down & into a relationship, she'll get self conscious about having 'very little up top' ( or some variant thereof ). As someone who has always been a very thin person with very small breasts, these are words I've heard to describe myself, and I know exactly what kind of self doubt and self consciousness must run through Spencer's head in these fics. However, these quick side mentions are all it ever gets - & I got to asking myself why? Why do we never get a character study type fic of Spence just... feeling out her body? Anyway, I decided to write this, & it's heavily biased as someone who sees Spence to be very much like me, so if it feels OOC, I apologize. This is the longest notes section I've ever written, goodness - I just hope you enjoy it, or get something out of it, and, uh - this is it?

her entire life, spencer has been hearing ever present opinions on her body.  
there's the ever popular 'oh, you're so thin!' which is  _almost always_ accompanied by a hand on someone next to her, a playful grin, & a 'see sweetheart, spencer is fit' ( or some variant thereof ). generally, spencer finds these comments aimed at her by well meaning mothers, who smile just a little bit too big & tell their already perfectly sized daughters that spencer is the  **IDEAL**. she shivers at the thought - spencer has never found herself  _ideal_ , not in a million years, & she doesn't expect to anytime soon. sometimes, she stares at herself in the mirror of her bedroom, turning & twisting this way & that, running cool hands down her bare stomach. it doesn't look right to her, & though she doesn't mean to complain - it's not like being  ** _T H I N_** is going to garner her a lifetime of negative attention - she still finds herself wincing as her fingers bump gently over slightly protruding ribs.

spencer is underweight.  
it's not like she ever  _meant to_ be, it just happened that way - she grew up raised in a household where her mother always looked fondly at her small frame & said 'that's just the way women in our family have always looked,' as if she was protecting spencer instead of keeping her in a tight little box. when she was little, spencer had been under the impression that since she had inherited such a thin frame, if she grew out of it, she would snap the bones keeping it together like glass. as she grew out of that impression, it became more of a thing that she just couldn't beat - competition wise, spencer was king, on the field, in the classroom, she won whenever she could, but every time she thought she could eat enough to break the safe line or exercise enough to put on enough muscle to hit the target weight, spencer lost.  
she doesn't know why, figures she never will - sometimes people will say it must be her rocket of a metabolism, or she's just blessed that way (  **YUCK**. ). not that spencer feels like being thin isn't a good thing, but she feels like every time someone stares longingly at her divets  & collarbones or gives an extra look after her stomach as she walks, she's ruining someone else's life. when she was fifteen, she was waiting to get weighed for gym class beside the rest of the h's - hollands, helen, handry - when the last of the g's stuck herself back against the wall to chat with her friend.  _garrison_ , spencer remembers, like the abolitionist she'd been taking notes on that morning, who came in at about 4'11" & looked like a stick as much as spencer did. strikingly, she just looked  _better_ doing it, spencer recalls, as she recalls the young girl placing a tanned hand on hollands - boy, she recalls, boy  & taking freshman gym in his junior year - 's arm. 'yeah, no! it was easy,' she recalls hearing, as spencer leaned sullenly on the edge of the gym wall, twisting her hands together. 'really?' she remembers hollands asking, a laugh escaping his throat, 'and how much did you weigh? you're like. a pixie.' it was true, spencer thought, but she heard garrison say 'ninety seven,' & she heard handry turn and almost shout 'you haven't even broken three digits! i wish i weighed that little,' to which spencer held back a biting  _NO, YOU DON'T_. handry was a tall girl, 5'8"  & still growing, & spencer knew that if  _she_ ( not significantly shorter than that, but  ** _ENOUGH_**   ) could feel the discomfort of the comments & her ribs poking at her skin, then taller would  _not_ make it any easier.  
that year, spencer weighed ninety six pounds.

the first time spencer meets mrs. marin, she presses a warm hand to spencer's shoulder & says 'you're going to be a wonderful influence on hanna,' with enough implication in her tone that spencer knows she doesn't mean in school. she forces a smile & quickly escapes to hanna's room, trying hard to avoid the subject altogether - which works well enough.  
until hanna murmurs 'how come you're so thin?' & spencer has to say 'genetics, i guess?' she remembers the way hanna's face contorts into a frown, like she's thinking, & then, quickly, her eyes scan spencer's chest. 'well,' hanna replies, 'i got the boobs.'  
it's the first time anyone has ever mentioned spencer's small chest being a problem. she knew she had small breasts, it was just a fact of spencer's life. just like how she added an extra five pounds to her weight anytime a friend asked after it. but it had always seemed okay - so hanna had bigger breasts, & she wore pink bras & talked about how much lucas stared at them sometimes.  
spencer had never thought that it was weird that sometimes she went braless, or that sometimes, she shopped in the kids department still ( nude, no underwire, & small enough for her ). she had never considered the idea that she had too little breasts, or that someone might not like her for their size, until alison brought it up, one night at a sleepover, as she painted her nails a bubblegum pink.  
spencer had chosen a flaming red, & alison chose to comment with a little, 'feeling sexy, are we?'  
hanna decides to follow up with an 'o _ooo_ h - spence, have you found a boy to dress up for?'

spencer doesn't think her color choice can tell them anything about her love life, but hanna gives her a massive wink as she stayed silent.

alison, however, let out a loud scoff. ' **SPENCER**? a  _boy_? he'd probably get close enough to see those tiny things she calls boobs  &  _run_.' she jokes,  & despite a few winces & a stray 'yikes, ali' from aria, no one speaks up in her defense.

that night, when everyone else has gone to bed, spencer pads into her bathroom and tugs off her shirt, placing a hand under one breast. it doesn't jiggle so much as just  _hang out_ & spencer fights back tears. is alison right? she doesn't like the idea of someone leaving her because she pulled off her shirt, so she turns in the mirror to examine the rest of her. she's got a butt, sort of, right? not enough to make a difference, though - & she's still not enough for someone.

* * *

it's  **AMAZING** when she finally finds someone she thinks she can be okay with. caleb is, well,  _caleb_ \-  & at the beginning, spencer has a constant fear that he's going to leave her because she's not - to use an odd turn of phrase -  _enough woman_ for him. but he never does.   
instead, one morning, caleb is pouring coffee behind her, & she feels comfortable enough to pull off her lounging shirt, no warning, to slip into her dress. the dress is backless & tighter than anything spencer could've worn when she was younger, & she loves the freedom of not having to wear a bra with it. she hears footsteps & turns to meet the advancing caleb.  
'can you even wear underwear with a dress that tight?' he asks, curiously, furrowing his brow, & spencer takes a deep breath - the paranoia is still there, somewhere, & she replies, 'do you disapprove?' with a hint of a tease in her voice. caleb reaches her & blinks a few times, one of his hands falling on her waist. 'no,' he says, 'not at all,' & she decides to listen.

 


End file.
